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Possibly the Most Embarrassing Blowout in History

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I haven't always used cloth diapers.  

There was a time that I was a total follower of disposables.  I didn't want to do cloth, because I didn't want to touch poop.  Yet, I converted because by my second child, I realized that with all the 'sposie blowouts, I was touching poop ANYWAY.  I didn't understand then that you didn't have to touch poop with cloth, but... I digress.

The following is an account of one of the most embarrassing moments of my life... and most disgusting.  Do not read if you don't have a strong stomach.  If you're already a mom,  you'll be ok. ;)

We were on the road.  Unfortunately, my grandfather had just passed away, and the funeral was held about six hours away from our home.  My son was almost two, and my daughter about 5 months old.  

We had been at my grandparent's home for about 3 days, and throughout that entire time my son had not pooped.  Just to set up the gravity of this, please understand that my qdboy has some serious belly issues.  He had a condition known as "leaky gut"... and let's just say, the name describes the condition PERFECTLY.  There was no "ploppable" poop in this kid.  He didn't digest food very well, so it was often runny and, well... undigested. 

So for three days THIS kid didn't poop.  I'm not sure if it was the stress of being away from home with people he didn't see very much, or just the fact that he was too busy to get alone and relax, but my husband and I had a feeling of impending doom.   Yeah, that feeling was justified.

We had stopped in at a Ruby Tuesday's to eat dinner when we were a few hours into our trip home.  We were starving, and the first part of the meal was pretty great.  We talked. We ate.  It was nice and relaxed..... maybe too relaxed. But as we were wrapping up the meal my son indicated that he was finished with his dinner and climbed underneath the table to play... or so we thought.

That's when we smelled it.  It was pretty bad, ya'll.  Like, we started looking around, hoping that others wouldn't notice kind of bad.  Like, something may have died in this restaurant bad.  Like, I'm gonna need a Breathe Right strip in just a minute bad.  Uh oh.  Looks like he FINALLY got it out... or was working on it.  

Calmly, we gave him a few minutes to finish.  But honestly, a few minutes was all that we COULD give him, because we couldn't breathe!  Around this time, the baby starts to fuss, so my husband declares that he will bravely tackle this diaper while I nurse the baby... but instead of taking my little man to the bathroom, he decides to do everyone else in the restaurant a favor and take qdboy outside to the car for the change of death.

So, my hubby grabs our baby boy's hand, grabs the diaper bag, and proceeds to walk towards the door.  But, as he is walking beside a beautiful couple's table, the unthinkable happens.  I see something fall out of my son's shorts onto the floor.  My husband, being unaware of this, continues happily past the hostess and out to the car.

I, on the other hand, start looking at the floor.  Oh no.  Oh no.  It can't be.  IT CAN'T BE!

But, unfortunately, it was.  A large piece of poop had fallen out of my son's disposable diaper onto the carpeted walkway right in front of an occupied table in a restaurant.  There it was.  Poop.  On the floor.  In the restaurant.  By these people who are trying to eat. 

And now I ask you, WHAT THE HECK DO YOU DO?!?!?

So I did what anyone else would do.  I just sat there for the longest time.  I looked around.  And around again.  When I did, I realized I wasn't the only one looking around.  The poor, sixteen year old hostess was also looking around with a terrified look on her face... after all, what was SHE supposed to do?  "Welcome to Ruby Tuesday's!  Please ignore the poop on the floor."?!?!?

And here I am, with a baby attached to <ahem> me, with everyone looking around anxiously pondering what the next plan of action is.  After all... I don't think there's a handbook for this stuff.

Well, I knew I couldn't leave it there.  So, I swallowed my pride, and as I was holding my small baby girl in one arm, I knelt down with baby wipes in front of this poor couple's table and cleaned up poop!  I wish I could say that I just grabbed it in one swipe with the baby wipe and walked off, but unfortunately, that was NOT the case.  I had to go back to my table for more wipes to scrub.  Can you imagine it?  A lady holding a small baby and scrubbing poop off the floor with baby wipes in front of strangers?  It was mortifying.

I never looked up.

I'm not sure whether to be angry or grateful that no one said a word.  But you could have heard a pin drop.  What awkward silence.

I left cash on the table (a big tip) and ran out the door... with a baby in one hand and poop in the other.  Thank the Lord for outdoor trashcans!  Except, it wasn't really a "proper" trashcan for undigested disaster... it was one of those tiny trashcans under an ashtray, right by the front door.  Sorry Ruby Tuesdays people, I know customers will be smelling poop as they walk in your restaurant, but I feel it's a step up from smelling it IN your restaurant.

Oh, but that's not the end of the story.  When I got outside, I found my husband had forgotten the wipes INSIDE (which is why I was able to use them, thank the Lord).  So, the entire time, he had been attempting to clean this disastrous blowout with KLEENEX! Yep!!!  You heard me!  KLEENEX!!  That stuff don't wipe, ya'll.

After a while, he had put the soiled diaper BACK on my son and was about to head back into the restaurant to get the wipes, when I came out with wipes, baby, and mortification written on my face!!!!!!

It was a disaster.  But, after a while, we got the boy poop free and ready to leave.  We left the diaper in the outside trash, since there was NO way I was going back in the restaurant, and left that city for good.

Not long after, this girl went to cloth diapers.

And to the couple in Missouri that were sitting at that table:  I'm sorry.  Like, REALLY sorry.  We totally owe you dinner.

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